Four Stupid Marriage Fights
When I asked my now-wife to a homecoming dance when I was just 19, I was sweating bullets and fumbling over my words
We were standing in the McDonald's parking lot, where young people met up before everyone had cell phones, and I decided to shoot my shot.
Fortunately, she said yes, and of all the decisions I’ve made in my life, choosing her was the best. So much meaning stems from that very moment—our first apartment, our move to St. Louis, and our course, our two kids.
When you spend over two decades with someone, you start noticing things and learning stuff about yourself. Believe it or not, it has been brought to my attention that I've got my fair share of shortcomings and blind spots.
But we all do, right?
If you’re a busy parent with a career, you don't have time for needless fights with your partner. Luckily, by learning how to manage your finances, communicate effectively, and divvy up household tasks, you can avoid these four common fights and enjoy a stronger, more passionate relationship with your significant other.
1) The "Who does more chores” fight
When one partner feels like they're doing more than their fair share, it can quickly spiral into a fight. To prevent this, sit down and rationally discuss who does what and how you can divide the workload more evenly. You are negotiating. It may seem strange to think of your marriage this way, but having clear expectations of one another will allow you to parent like pros and spend less time making decisions on the fly.
Honest communication will drastically reduce your stress because you won't have to constantly worry about which of you is in charge of school pick up, groceries, laundry, or whose career matters more.
Create a plan that serves the needs of the entire family and execute said plan. Reevaluate your goals regularly and understand that each season brings new challenges. This way, you'll feel like you're contributing equally and won't need to argue.
When in doubt, commit to serving your spouse as often as possible. Research suggests most people overestimate their contribution while underestimating how much effort their partner puts in. It sucks, but all couples go through it.
2) The "What's for dinner?" fight
Meal planning is critical to preventing this argument. Sit down and plan your meals for the week to save yourself time and energy. Not only will this eliminate the "what's for dinner?" fight, but it'll also save you money on takeout.
It's also important to discuss your health needs and requests rationally. We all need to work on our intake of fruits and vegetables and teach our kids to make good choices. Lay some ground rules on who will cook and keep things simple. If you both work, buy back your time with a healthy meal service or easy options like instant brown rice, frozen vegetable blends, and healthy fats like olive oil or grass-fed butter. Keep fruit, nuts, and air-popped popcorn around for healthy snacks, and invest in some quality protein shakes to supplement your meals.
Skip sodas and energy drinks. Instead, choose coffee, tea, and bubbly water. You will become a much more efficient couple if you are in good health and have better-quality energy and sleep. Meal planning is an easy way to automate this common issue. We've all been there, but this is an easy fight to fix.
3) The Sex fight
It's essential to remember that everyone's sex drive is different, and having different levels of desire is okay. The key to avoiding this fight is to have an open and honest conversation about your needs and wishes.
If one partner feels they're not getting the intimacy they want, they should express that without judgment. Work together to find a solution that works for both parties. This fight is tough, but it comes down to clear expectations and respect for boundaries.
Take the time to evaluate and nurture your emotional connection daily. Many of my male clients seem unaware that their female partners need to feel emotionally connected, loved, and cherished before they can experience desire. The easiest way for men to foster this is to listen to their wives without trying to interject solutions.
Listen to her concerns and validate her emotions rather than making the situation about you. Instead, make sure you posture yourself as a confident man who can handle anything she brings to the table. Demonstrate through your words, but most importantly your presence, that you will never leave her and watch how fast things improve.
4) The Money fight
Money can be a significant source of tension in a relationship. It's essential to clearly understand your financial situation and work together to create a budget that works for both of you. By setting financial goals and sticking to a budget, you'll avoid arguments about overspending and save yourself a lot of stress in the long run. Aggressively pay down consumer debt and avoid credit card balances like the plague.
Have a monthly budget for a cash envelope or a reasonable agreement for personal purchases, and try not to nitpick one another—some people like their Starbucks, others like expensive cigars. Make room for your partner's guilty pleasure, and don't be a jerk about the budget.
I may be a bit old school, but at the end of the day, you need to move past "my money" and "your money." The best marriages, the ones that will last, are predicated on a lifetime commitment. The sacred nature of the marital bond is why wedding officiants have us stand before our friends and family and repeat the vow that we are in this thing for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
If you are both highly driven individuals with careers, all the better. Rather than competing with each other, live by the mindset that you and your partner are bigger and more powerful together than you are alone and that the union itself is a living thing with infinite potential.
In conclusion, keep these common fights from ruining your relationship. You'll enjoy a stronger connection with your partner by communicating effectively, divvying household tasks, and managing your finances.
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