The Masculine Soul: Beyond the Tough Exterior in Men's Mental Health
Marketers are changing the way they sell mental health to men
The new term in the masculine algorithm is "men’s mental wellness." While this is progress, the idea that men have emotional lives shouldn't be surprising. Men aren’t Neanderthals, and assuming so might be why many women feel disconnected from us.
A lot of us are self-aware. Generally, the more successful my male acquaintances are, the more likely they participate in a men's group, do therapy, or have seen a couples counselor.
I’ve always been intuitive and self-reflective. I wasn’t a jock and felt more at home with my two sisters until I joined a men’s community later in life. I realize now that many of us, myself included, don’t have the emotional vocabulary to discuss life’s ups and downs.
Anger is often the most visceral masculine emotion because it’s just the tip of the iceberg. It’s a survival mechanism used to set boundaries and keep bullies at bay. Young boys learn early not to be the "sissy" in a pack of boys.
My favorite example is Piggy’s character in "Lord of the Flies." Things don’t work out well for poor Piggy.
I challenge women to understand that if you want an emotionally available man, you need to realize there might be unresolved pain beneath his attitude. Something is going on in his heart, whether he is avoidant or the more explosive type.
He might not express what’s bothering him because it might be something you don’t want to hear.
Men frequently feel underappreciated, disrespected, unloved, or starved for affection, especially after having children. Many feel they can't voice the pressure of their responsibilities as fathers. Men are often told to "just listen without offering solutions," yet many of my clients complain this privilege isn’t reciprocated.
Men can be sensitive and thoughtful, but dating and marriage patterns show women want strong, hardworking men. Some women prefer nerdy, intelligent, and introverted partners, but men are not allowed to be weak—and by weak I mean unmotivated, indecisive, or irresponsible. These are the complaints I hear from my female clients who can’t seem to find a “good guy.”
Men are hurting—I know because I speak with them in confidence
Modern romance requires both men and women to evolve. Some men struggle to fulfill roles and communicate in ways not demonstrated by previous generations. Our needs are simple; we aim to please if we know what’s expected. We think about more than the fall of the Roman Empire, and we’re tired of false jocular archetypes demonstrated by the pseudo-alpha males that dominate the online discourse.
All men have basic wounds from family dynamics, heartbreak, bullying, or other trauma. We bury our pain to get things done, a survival skill from our ancestors. When life gets hard, many men shut down and shift into the next gear. Unfortunately, most men reach a point in midlife where there is no next gear, encountering their pain amid a crisis or when an addiction or some other habit causes them to lose something important.
We’ve been socialized to be self-sufficient and sacrificial. Opening up is risky because we may be seen as failures. Appreciation helps us stay connected emotionally. Men care about more than sex—respect is equally important.
As men, we need more self-reflection to process our feelings. Admitting insecurities and grief is the start of a better life. Many men feel trapped in cycles, habits, or unfulfilling jobs due to fear of introspection. There’s an amazing life beyond those emotional walls, as I’ve experienced. My wife and children now get a better version of me after I did some inner work.
My challenge to men is to take that journey. My challenge to women is to walk with us.
Are you ready to start living an intentional life?
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