3 Habits that Sabotage Wellbeing
(5 minute read)
If your tribe is anything like mine, your summertime rhythm will kick off with a bang in the coming weeks. I hope the summer camps and vacation rental are booked at this point.
I salute you, busy adult. May the odds be ever in your favor.
It has been a bit since I put out a blog, and I've been feverishly preparing soil and getting my garden operation up and running. I'm happy to say I had cucumber and carrot buds by week two, and for the first time in several years, I've got yellow tomato flowers within my first three weeks. That means I'll have green tomatoes next month, which puts me ahead of last year.
My journal and its digital equivalent have been filling up with ideas. A few things stick out as I flip back through my random thoughts, session notes, and half-written blog posts.
I aim to connect with my audience, which includes you, dear reader, and right now, I've witnessed a particular theme in the small talk conversations I have with my peers and the impactful coaching sessions I'm having with my brave and resilient clients.
Everyone is excited about the longer days and the opportunity to walk the neighborhood, hike, and travel.
But we're busy, and if you're honest with yourself, you probably need more self-care. Everyone fights this battle, and there is always a tinge of guilt or even shame if we've let ourselves slip.
I just turned 40, and I don't have the bounce back I had years ago, and I certainly, much like you, don't have the same tolerance for sweet goodies and those delicious fried carbohydrates.
My body hates me if I don't watch my pace. I've had to refocus as I age.
You're the same, aren't you?
I hear many folks complain that they are moody and paralyzed by fatigue. We all tend to rationalize that dull, funky feeling we get when we melt the candle at both ends.
I've put together a list of common ways people sabotage themselves.
These are habits that I see ruin people's efforts at health, joy, and having a life that feels fantastic.
If you keep reading, I'll share them with you.
Are you ready?
Good!
The 3 Habits that Sabotage Wellbeing
1) You have no control over your calendar
Burnout sets in when we are exhausted and feel powerless to change, and it seeps deep into our nervous system, causing neuroplastic changes in our brains. At this stage of the game, which I call the critical phase, we lack the emotional reserve and motivation to make good food choices and resist temptation. There is a cascading effect of body aches, anxiety, and crappy sleep made worse by stress itself.
After getting to know my clients, I generally do an exercise with them in their initial batch of sessions. I make them take out their planner or log into their calendar and do an energetic assessment of their schedule.
I ask them to pause with each item and think about how they feel about it. Is there complete dread around some of the commitments? Do they have to deal with annoying people or individuals who suck the life out of them?
If that's the case, I invite them to unapologetically back out of commitments and delete items that provoke resentment or excessive anxiety. My coach had me do this same exercise in the summer of 2020, and it was amazing how quickly setting boundaries around my time reduced my perceived stress level.
Oh, and by the way, "No!" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you're dropping off a committee, refusing an invitation to an event, or skipping a business opportunity.
Ask for an agenda when someone requests a meeting and don't have a scarcity mindset when it comes to life. If an opportunity is meant to be, it will reintroduce itself repeatedly. Give thought to the people you collaborate with and noodle on things until they excite you and make complete sense for your time, values, and skill set.
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2) You have little or no downtime with your loved ones
I repeatedly hear people, especially women complain that they want more time with their families. Many people admit this most tragic form of parental guilt when they get a confidential space to process.
These are the only years you'll get with your children when they are this innocent and petite, and these are some of the most impactful years for building connection, trust, and intimacy with your spouse. Your kids need to witness that love and commitment so they can recreate it when they grow up.
If you feel like you're missing stuff, you probably are, plus our kids absorb our chaotic energy when we're busy.
Do yourself a favor and revisit habit one. Take immediate control of your calendar and request a peaceful time to have a serious conversation with your spouse. Request change rather than demanding it from a state of exhaustion. Set aside time to brainstorm and execute rather than arguing when you are both tired or in the middle of a brutal work week. If you're tapped out, your partner probably isn't coping well either.
Men are particularly guilty of this. Don't ignore your wife's pleas when she complains that you are too busy or emotionally unavailable. Men have been groomed to be ambitious and relentless in their pursuit of success for centuries, and the last several generations of women have been sold the same lie.
Our culture has taken the rat race too far.
Have the guts to opt-out of the insanity and prioritize your family.
Make important decisions together and ditch the FOMO mindset that makes you think you have to do it all and be all things to all people. Negotiate self-care time and make sure you both get time to work out and be alone, even if it is just for 20 minutes a day to be away from the noise of cartoons and your exceptional but very demanding children. Build a home gym to make being active more convenient, and buy a cheap piece of cardio equipment that you enjoy.
3) You eat out or get take out a lot
By a lot, I mean more than once a week. I know that's a bummer, and I struggled with this one for YEARS, but it's revolutionary. It's a hack we learned when we worked on getting out of debt and focused on fully funding our emergency savings.
While it takes more time, it doesn't have to be horrible. Get out that instant pot or slow cooker and prepare meals that will double as lunches you can take to work. Beans and rice, and chili are some of our favorites, and you can always stuff the leftovers into whole wheat tortillas and grill them on a panini as burritos or quesadillas.
Air fry some chicken thighs or make a stirfry with frozen veggies and brown rice. I eat meat, but my wife and daughter don't. I crush chickpeas or tofu and add taco spice for vegetarian street tacos.
Mix a huge family-style salad and get your greens and healthy fats in with dinner. I always say dinner is the main event in our house, and it's the one time the whole crew is together.
I worked in the hospitality industry as a chef while doing my undergrad. Cooking is a great skill to learn, and it's an excellent way to serve your spouse and your kids.
Men, you aren't excused from kitchen duty.
If you don't know how to cook, you need to learn. According to marriage counselors, house chores are among the most significant points of conflict. If you can split the work and learn to communicate effectively, you'll have a happier marriage, and this, like self-care, is important to model for your kids.
Remember, they will grow up to live, love, and cope as you do. Set them up for success by demonstrating a life well-lived.